Divorce and Remarriage: how communication can make all the difference

This week we talked about divorce and remarriage. I have been infinitely blessed not to have a firsthand experience with either of these. That is not to say that they are bad but it is not the ideal. Marriage is meant to last not to be cut short. There was a study done of people who are been divorced and they were asked if they should have or could have saved their marriage. 70% of those people said that they should have or could have saved their marriage. A lot of what can happen to cause problems is the perception of incompatibility. Another study preformed sited that divorced couples have 10 areas of incompatibility. But so do couples who stay married. So what is the difference between staying married and not?

Some of the things that we discussed this week in class was how important communication is. Have you ever noticed that in a lot of movies the big conflict is due to a miscommunication? Learning how to communicate with other people can be one of the most challenging things in this life. I could say something and the person who I said it to, took it the wrong way because of an experience that they have had in their past. Then they get really mad at me for bringing up a sore subject, when I really had no idea that I had. It’s not really anyone’s fault but it does cause problems. So is the answer to just keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life so as to never have any verbal communication with any one so therefore you could never have any miscommunication with some one? No. In fact the best way to get better as communicating is to practice communicating. It takes patience and hard work to become a better communicator. It doesn’t come easy. So when you first get married it’s important to let your spouse know your expectations and to listen to their expectations. You actually should do this before you get married. Sooner is always better than later. Another thing to keep in mind is it’s not just a onetime thing. It is a constant every day thing. Good communication can prevent a lot of heartache and miss understandings.

With all of this said, I am not saying that people who have been divorced are bad and horrible people. They have made their choices and must live with them. I’m saying that whether you are dealing with your biological family or a step family, good communication is the key. My teacher, who is a marriage and family therapist, has seen this work many times. He has couples with children come to him so set on divorce. He usually tells them that they can divorce if they want to but that they still need to work together for the sake of the children, which requires good, healthy communication. Many times as the parents have worked through the process of separating together, they end up working through their problems together and no longer wish to divorce. Communication goes a long way.

It is very natural to want to yell and scream when things go wrong. That is what naturally occurs. But how much better off is everybody else when we are able to stop that natural tendency and speak kindly instead? So next time you feel the urge to yell and scream, remove yourself from the situation so you can calm down and approach it in a different way. Speak kindly. Focus on your feelings. Don’t blame or point fingers. Just state facts, calmly. Even if the other person doesn’t act the same, continue to show calmness, patience and love. It’ll all work out. Practice makes perfect. Love and respect make all the difference.

Parenting: close to Godliness

This week has been a lot of fun for me. We talked about parenting. I’m no expert but from what we discussed in class, I have a better idea of how to be a parent. Some of the things that we talked about was active parenting. This involves parents setting guidelines for their children and also letting them have some freedom, within those limits. We talked about how important giving children choices is. Nobody, especially adults, don’t like to be told what to do. Why would we expect our children to just take what we want them to do? A parent’s job is to protect and help their children be contributors to society. It is not to rule over them and command them to do what the parents want. I think most parents want their children to grow up and be good citizens. They think that way that they need to do that is to control and teach them through force. But that doesn’t work. Like each person children have needs that need to be met. Those needs include, a sense of contact and belonging, control, protection and withdrawal. Children, like everyone, like to feel like they are useful and needed. Giving children responsibilities and encouragement goes a long way. It we don’t love them for who they are they go out and find it in other ways that are not health or safe. Children also need to feel protected. When they feel attacked or threaten they can react with revenge. Which is not healthy or good. They also need to have time to themselves. They need to be able to withdraw and find inner peace and comfort. All of these needs can be met as we listen to our children and truly care about their wellbeing. One of the best ways that parents can do this is by respecting their child and asking politely for the behavior or action that they desire. When we respect our children they will respect us back. If necessary consequences should be logically tied to the misbehavior. For instance when a teen misuses there phone, taking away their phone forever is not logical. Logically they could lost the phone for a couple of days to have a changes to repent and do better. Also it helps if before misbehavior happens you sit down with your child and discuss the consequences for a misbehavior. It is best to include the child. It helps them feel like things are fair and that they can and are able to meet the expectations because they helped set them. Giving children choices are also good. As we give them choices they learn how to make decisions for themselves which helps them later on in life to make the big decisions that come their way. Children need guidance and support not dictatorship and rules. They usually know what is good and what is not but they usually are trying to meet their need but don’t know how in a constructive and good way. That is why parents are there to help them. To guide them. Parents are important. Children need that loving guidance from them to help them become good members of society and contribute.

We also see these same patterns in the way that God interacts with us as His children. He never forces us to do anything but is always there lovingly guiding us. Giving us the tools that we need. He gives us our agency and lets us choice for ourselves. He loves us, just as we should love our children.