Divorce and Remarriage: how communication can make all the difference

This week we talked about divorce and remarriage. I have been infinitely blessed not to have a firsthand experience with either of these. That is not to say that they are bad but it is not the ideal. Marriage is meant to last not to be cut short. There was a study done of people who are been divorced and they were asked if they should have or could have saved their marriage. 70% of those people said that they should have or could have saved their marriage. A lot of what can happen to cause problems is the perception of incompatibility. Another study preformed sited that divorced couples have 10 areas of incompatibility. But so do couples who stay married. So what is the difference between staying married and not?

Some of the things that we discussed this week in class was how important communication is. Have you ever noticed that in a lot of movies the big conflict is due to a miscommunication? Learning how to communicate with other people can be one of the most challenging things in this life. I could say something and the person who I said it to, took it the wrong way because of an experience that they have had in their past. Then they get really mad at me for bringing up a sore subject, when I really had no idea that I had. It’s not really anyone’s fault but it does cause problems. So is the answer to just keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life so as to never have any verbal communication with any one so therefore you could never have any miscommunication with some one? No. In fact the best way to get better as communicating is to practice communicating. It takes patience and hard work to become a better communicator. It doesn’t come easy. So when you first get married it’s important to let your spouse know your expectations and to listen to their expectations. You actually should do this before you get married. Sooner is always better than later. Another thing to keep in mind is it’s not just a onetime thing. It is a constant every day thing. Good communication can prevent a lot of heartache and miss understandings.

With all of this said, I am not saying that people who have been divorced are bad and horrible people. They have made their choices and must live with them. I’m saying that whether you are dealing with your biological family or a step family, good communication is the key. My teacher, who is a marriage and family therapist, has seen this work many times. He has couples with children come to him so set on divorce. He usually tells them that they can divorce if they want to but that they still need to work together for the sake of the children, which requires good, healthy communication. Many times as the parents have worked through the process of separating together, they end up working through their problems together and no longer wish to divorce. Communication goes a long way.

It is very natural to want to yell and scream when things go wrong. That is what naturally occurs. But how much better off is everybody else when we are able to stop that natural tendency and speak kindly instead? So next time you feel the urge to yell and scream, remove yourself from the situation so you can calm down and approach it in a different way. Speak kindly. Focus on your feelings. Don’t blame or point fingers. Just state facts, calmly. Even if the other person doesn’t act the same, continue to show calmness, patience and love. It’ll all work out. Practice makes perfect. Love and respect make all the difference.

Parenting: close to Godliness

This week has been a lot of fun for me. We talked about parenting. I’m no expert but from what we discussed in class, I have a better idea of how to be a parent. Some of the things that we talked about was active parenting. This involves parents setting guidelines for their children and also letting them have some freedom, within those limits. We talked about how important giving children choices is. Nobody, especially adults, don’t like to be told what to do. Why would we expect our children to just take what we want them to do? A parent’s job is to protect and help their children be contributors to society. It is not to rule over them and command them to do what the parents want. I think most parents want their children to grow up and be good citizens. They think that way that they need to do that is to control and teach them through force. But that doesn’t work. Like each person children have needs that need to be met. Those needs include, a sense of contact and belonging, control, protection and withdrawal. Children, like everyone, like to feel like they are useful and needed. Giving children responsibilities and encouragement goes a long way. It we don’t love them for who they are they go out and find it in other ways that are not health or safe. Children also need to feel protected. When they feel attacked or threaten they can react with revenge. Which is not healthy or good. They also need to have time to themselves. They need to be able to withdraw and find inner peace and comfort. All of these needs can be met as we listen to our children and truly care about their wellbeing. One of the best ways that parents can do this is by respecting their child and asking politely for the behavior or action that they desire. When we respect our children they will respect us back. If necessary consequences should be logically tied to the misbehavior. For instance when a teen misuses there phone, taking away their phone forever is not logical. Logically they could lost the phone for a couple of days to have a changes to repent and do better. Also it helps if before misbehavior happens you sit down with your child and discuss the consequences for a misbehavior. It is best to include the child. It helps them feel like things are fair and that they can and are able to meet the expectations because they helped set them. Giving children choices are also good. As we give them choices they learn how to make decisions for themselves which helps them later on in life to make the big decisions that come their way. Children need guidance and support not dictatorship and rules. They usually know what is good and what is not but they usually are trying to meet their need but don’t know how in a constructive and good way. That is why parents are there to help them. To guide them. Parents are important. Children need that loving guidance from them to help them become good members of society and contribute.

We also see these same patterns in the way that God interacts with us as His children. He never forces us to do anything but is always there lovingly guiding us. Giving us the tools that we need. He gives us our agency and lets us choice for ourselves. He loves us, just as we should love our children.

Family work and Fathers

In today’s society work ethic is not the same as it uses to be. Up until the industrial revolution, work was done as a family. I realized how beneficial it was to a family to be with each other 24 hours a day. Family members grew closure and learned more and were more productive. I think that this is something that we miss out on in our modern society where one or both parents work outside the home and where children go away from the home to be taught. I’m not saying we should all go back and start living on farms again and homeschooling are children but there is a closeness and a productivity that can’t be replaced unless something changes. Work is important to our human wellbeing. Work is the most fun when we do it as a family. I remember growing up and working as a family. It was so much fun and I loved it. I might not have loved it in the moment but looking back, some of my favorite times was when we would do projects as a family; like planting a garden or painting the walls. All ways fun to keep your hands moving and talking with your loved ones. I know that working alongside with my parents and siblings helped us to be closer together.

Another thing that I would like to mention is how important it is for children to have fathers who are involved and loving. Fathers can bring a lot to the table. They can teach what a mother cannot. Raising children is a partnership not just a one person thing. Children need both parents. One of my favorite memories of something that my Dad would do, was to read to me and my siblings. Yes Mom could do that but it became a bonding moment with Dad. We would pile on to my parent’s bed at night when Dad would get home and he would read to us before bed time. It was a wonderful thing. Even though Dad was gone at work all day we still got to spend time with him. Fathers, even if they are tired when they get home, should make time to bond with their children. It is good for them emotionally, socially and spiritually. Mothers do a lot of good too, don’t get me wrong, but Fathers are underappreciated. Children need both parents; that is how God intended it to be. Starting back with Adam and Eve. A mother and a father involved in raising children and working together.

Communication and Councils

This week has been very eye opening for me. I was texting a friend and I thought that the conversation was going well but then I never heard back from them. Then in class on Tuesday we talked about communication. I realized that the text I had sent sounded one way in my head but the complete opposite in my friends head. This actually happens more often than people think. It is really hard to have a perfect understanding of how another person is thinking or feeling. Body language, words and tone make up most of human communication. What someone says, how they say it and what they do when they say it are always of communicating. Someone could say “I love you” but because there back is turned away from you and the tone is harsh, it has a completely different meaning then just the words alone. I realized that more often than not people think differently than I do. I think about things in one way and somebody sees it in the opposite way. I think that God made us this why so life wouldn’t be boring. If everyone thought the same, life would just be annoyingly lame. So I realized that I needed to be clearer in my communication with others. Especially over texts, because they don’t have the tone or see the body language.

Another thing that I found so interesting was how to hold a family council. This is a really cool thing. As a class we looked at how the leaders of our church hold a council and talked about how beneficial it is to hold family councils in the same way. They start of every council with expressing love and appreciation to each other. To me, this opens the hearts of all members to be loving and kind even if they don’t agree on something. I feel like if one started a family council this way there would be less likelihood of yelling or screaming. Next they open with prayer. God knows more than we do. Inviting Him to help you make decisions will bring clarity and most likely will speed things up. Then they take turns speaking. They speak kindly and one by one express their opinion. They don’t talk over each other. In a family this is important. No member is less important than another. They are a family and the decision will affect everyone. As they use the spirit of the Lord they come to a consensus. A consensus is more than just a compromise. A consensus means that each member came to the same conclusion as to what needs to be done. They do not simply just give and take to make sure each member gets part of what they want. It is a conclusion that all are pleased with, including God. Then they close with prayer and have refreshment of some sort. This is important because when you share a meal with someone, you show that you care and love them. It ends the council with a friendly, happy atmosphere with no hard feelings toward anyone. I love the idea of being able to have effective council meetings. When of the key things in order to obtain a wonderful consensus is to make sure that you are not just hoping for what you want but truly are wanting to do the Lord’s will. Two people can agree quicker and without hard feelings when the Lord’s will is being done and not the will of one person or the other, or a combination of both. Things are better when we involve the Lord. This takes practice and I am no expert but I have set this as a goal for myself.

Family Problem Solving

This week in class we talked about family crisis. There can be a lot of things that can fall under this category. I tried to think of something big that my family has gone through, but nothing came to mind. This doesn’t mean that my family doesn’t have problems. We do. But it means that in my way of looking at things that happened, I never thought that anything was a crisis.

Trials come to every family. Some are brought on by the choices of the members of the family and others just happen due to no fault of anyone. We cannot always control what is happening but we can control how we react to it. The best way is to start early and develop coping skills that could help you and your family through any trial that comes. It’s not always fool proof but it does help in any circumstance. In class we talked about the crown molding in a house and compared it to coping skills. I’m no expert at putting up crown molding but I understand the basic process. You start by putting up the molding on opposite walls. Then you cut the molding for the adjacent walls longer then you actually need. Then you take a coping saw and cut the edges very finely. This allows the corners to go in with no wiggle room and no matter what temperature changes happen there will be no slipping. This process takes a lot of time but so does building up a defense for a family crisis. Time is your best ally. Another aspect of putting up crown molding that we can look at is when you are done cutting with the coping saw you then have to put pressure in the middle. That pressure in the middle helps make sure that the ends are stable and where they need to be. Families can be the same. When pressure comes, we can let the pressure push us closer together instead of breaking us. It takes practice and work. I have no experience with it really, but I do know that for my family, we have never let anything tear us apart. We always seem to come out closure together. It starts with the attitude with which you approach problems with. And you can always change how you look at something too. You are never stuck to one curtain way, even if your family has done it that way for ages, you can change it.

Another thing that I thought was very interesting that we talked about in class is the Chinese word for crisis. The word is made up of two characters. The first means danger and then second one means opportunity. Isn’t that interesting? A crisis is a dangerous opportunity. We can respond in whatever way we choice. Choice to react in a positive way. It is always better.

Marital Intimacy and what children should know

I am no expert and I’m not going to go into details. But I simply will say that intimacy between husband and wife is important to their relationship but not everything. There needs to be more than just sex in a marriage. Also research has shown that it becomes more satisfying the longer a marriage lasts. Another thing that I realized was that you don’t necessarily have to unwrap this gift on your wedding night. This is a fragile and precious gift that should be handled with care, love, gentleness, understanding and patients. It also should be reserved for a man and women legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. ‘Nough said.

What should children know in regards to this topic? When do you start teaching them about it? Before this week I would not have known how to answer these questions. But now I have a better idea. You teach them a little bit at a time. Starting at age 3 or so, you teach them to respect their bodies by being modest. You teach them how to treat their bodies. Then you teach them little by little about how their bodies work, what to expect and how to react. You also must be careful to avoid shaming the child into being uncomfortable with their bodies. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a helpful resource on their website. Here is the link, https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng. I have found it very helpful, even though I do not have children of my own. I will someday and I’m glad that I have come across this resource so that I will be able to be the best mother that I can be. This topic also reminds me of a talk given in the past General Conference of October 2015. The talk is called “It’s Never too Early and It’s Never too Late” by Elder Bradly D. Foster of the Seventy. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/its-never-too-early-and-its-never-too-late?lang=eng) In this talk he gives advice to parents about how to help their children in whatever stage of life they are in. He says to sit down with them and let them know what they might come in contact with in the world. It is never too early or too late to help you children understand what they need to. It is important to keep in mind your child’s maturity level but it is always a good idea to teach and help them. Your children will always be grateful for your help. I know that I am grateful for my parent’s efforts in my behalf. So no matter where you are at in life it’s never too late to start preparing or teaching your children what they need to know.

Marriage and Baby prep

So this week in class it has been very eye opening for me. We talked about the importance of making a good wedding and a good marriage. For the wedding it is not just about the reception. The reception isn’t even really necessary. The purpose of the reception is having the community or family except the new couple. They are generally more expensive than they ever should be. You should not go into debt for it! I think that you can have a nice reception without having it be expensive. That has always been my goal and now I have research to back me up. The other important thing that we talked about is how to make the decisions about what colors and food should you have. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is this is an opportunity to make decisions as a couple. This is the first time that the couple would have the opportunity to make decisions together that will impact their lives. It should be less about what the parents want and more about what the couple wants. It really doesn’t matter what they decide but it is important to make the decision together. This is the opportunity to blend together their two families and make a new one of their own. Planning the wedding is an important bonding opportunity for the couple. Usually the wife plans the whole wedding but that is a bad choice because then the couple misses out working together and learning to make decisions as a couple. The wedding is the beginning of a new life together and the point is to start it off right. You start off right by working together from the beginning. Taking every opportunity to learn and grow closer together.

Now when the first baby comes it changes things. What can happen is that marriage satisfaction can go down when the first baby comes around. But it doesn’t have to. The thing to do is to make sure that each spouse feels involved before, during and after the birth of the baby. What can happen, is that the husband can feel abandoned by the wife and left out as she takes care of the baby. But that doesn’t have to happen. Both parents can be involved and grow closer together with each child instead of apart. The key is to continue to communicate and work tougher on everything. As a couple continues to do what they have been doing in working together then when changes come, no matter what they are, they will be able to work through them and come out better for it.

I’m no expert on the subject because I am neither married not a mother but as we discussed the topic in class it just made sense to me. I have a better understanding of what I would like to do in a marriage both in preparation and during marriage. I know that it takes a lot of work but it is completely worth it. There is nothing that you can’t work through if you want.

Love and Dating

So I have always thought that I would fall in love with my future husband when I found him. But here’s the thing, what does “falling in love” mean? In class this week we explored the different kinds of love. For me I realized that I was looking at current and future relationships all wrong. “One does not simply walk into to Mordor” I mean fall in love. The true deep kind of love that I am looking for doesn’t happen at first site. The kind of love I want to have in a relationship with a spouse is deep and abiding and can change for good over time. There were four types of love we talked about and the best kind of love that everyone should want is the combination of all four. All of them come from Greek. The first one is Storge. This is affection found between parent and child. Why on earth would you want to feel that way about a spouse? Well let’s think about it. It’s not so much that you look at them as a child or parent but you would literally do anything to help them. You purpose in their live is to help them be better. I do not have children and I cannot fully explain this deep kind of love. The next one is Philia. This is the love that exists between friends. There is a saying that says, “Love is being married to your best friend.” I love that idea of marrying a best friend. A friend who is always there for you and you can always be there for them. It’s just so wonderful. Another one is Eros. This is the love that most people talk about when they think of falling in love. This is love that can be sexually driven. It can also be called romantic love. Which is important in a relationship between spouses but not the only thing. The last is Agape. This is the love that most people define as charity. That love for everyone and anyone whether you know them or not. This is the love that inspires people to serve others with no thought of themselves. Which is absolutely important in a marriage. Selflessness.

Now that I’ve talked about love, I want to talk about dating. Most people when they think of dating they really are thinking about the word courtship. There is a difference. Courtship is when you become serious and are thinking about the possibility that this person could be your mate. Whereas dating is a casual exploration of the choices for a mate. Dating should be looked at less seriously in the world today. It is a really good idea to just go on dates with a lot of people and even a couple with one person before you move into the courtship side of things. I feel like my generation is scared of dates. We all have this attitude of “going on one date means I have to marry them.” Which is completely ridiculous. But that is what most people are thinking when they hear the word date. Dating is still a little bit scary for me but it’s becoming less so. I have changed the way that I look at it. I have made a goal to just have fun and go on lots of date until I find someone that works really well with me and we go on more dates until we move into courtship and then for me that is when the physical affection will begin. I feel like while dating it is more about building a good friendship then expressing physical attraction. When you get more serious and into the courtship phase I feel like that is when physical affection can start. That is just based off of my experiences and those around me.

It’s just interesting to think about. How do you love? How can you improve or strengthen your love? Is dating really that scary? Can I just have fun and make friends while dating? Yes!!! And in my opinion it is the better option. 

Troublesome Taboo

This week in class has brought up some very touchy subjects. Subjects that the world and society don’t want to talk about. Two really big ones; the roles that women and men play, the difference and similarities between them and then same gender attraction. Now I am no expert on either of these subjects but I have learned a lot this week in class. I have found that I have become more sympathetic and kind toward those who think or feel different then I do. I have also become more rooted in my own belief.

So are men and women basically the same? What one can do the other can do just as well? I don’t think so. During the women’s revolution society was fighting very strongly to have equality between men and women. On something there must be equality. Like wages and opportunities. But I do not believe that women can do everything just and well as a man can. Neither can a man do everything just as well as a women. We are different and have different strengths for a reason. We are meant to complement each other not compete against each other. With that said, we as individual should learn and gain new skills that will help us be better no matter what our gender is. I feel very strongly that everyone should have the opportunity to do anything that they would like without being discriminated against. That is what equality means to me.

Now for same gender attraction. I do not believe that people are born that way. I do believe that the feelings are very real but that the person has the choice to act upon those feelings or not. Society very much wants people to believe that it is a condition that someone is born into with no choice and that we should just accept it. But there is research that says they have not found anything that indicates that it is biologically related. Also society is trying very hard to make sure that research like that is not done or published. Which is just so said. I have come to realized that people who struggle with same gender attraction have a higher rate of depression. They are more miserable than other people; although they try their best to make it seem like they are happy. We watched this video for class about four gentleman who struggled with unwanted feelings of same gender attraction. All four of them were able to overcome those feelings and they all said that they were so much happier than they had ever been before. One of the men said that he had just broken up with his girlfriend and even though it was really hard and he was really sad, it was not sadness and depression to the extent that he felt before while he was acting on his same gender attraction feelings. Based on the experiences of these four men I have come to realize more and more that wickedness and having a disregard to the laws and commandments of God never makes a person happy. Ever! With that said I see people who struggle with same gender attraction in a different way than I did before. I feel like they are just like everyone else trying to find happiness and acceptance but looking in the wrong places. We need to reach out in love and understanding not disapproval and hate. Think about it. Don’t we all want to be loved and accepted? No one likes feeling left out. This doesn’t mean that we have to accept their actions that we don’t agree with but we can be kind about it. Kindness goes a long way and is the best way.

Family Culture

Have you ever felt out of place? Like you didn’t belong? Most of the time when I feel this way it is because I don’t feel like I fit in with the people that I am around. Like they all know something that I don’t know. It’s an interesting feeling. It comes from differences in cultures or classes.

I never thought that in a marriage that this difference could cause a problem. But the other night I had a dream. I learned two things from this dream. First, I was thinking way to much about my homework and therefore it incorporated itself into my dream and second what it would be like to date someone who was from a different class then I was. I would consider myself from the middle class. I had the things that I needed and sometime the things that I wanted. In my dream this gentleman asked me to accompany him to this ball. Before the ball, I joined him for dinner with his family. It was a very formal event and not at all like my own family dinners. After the dinner he told me to go and talk to his mother. So I did. His mother then proceeded to tell me how to improve my looks to better “fit in” with the people I was with. In the dream it was very hurtful what she said I needed to “improve” upon and I realized that this guy was not worth my time because he didn’t like me for who I was. He didn’t like that I didn’t have “manners” and wasn’t up to his standards. It’s a good thing that this was a dream because I was not happy about being treated that way. But it got me thinking.

Everyone comes from a different culture. I’m not even just talking about geographical cultures but more of a family culture. Each person is unique in how they were raised and in what morals they were taught to cherish. It was really interesting to see the difference between the students in my class. For intense, we talked about when people open Christmas presents. Some people have the family tradition of opening presents on Christmas Eve and that is when they have their big celebrations. Others have it on Christmas day. It was also interesting to see how the married students in my class changed their traditions when they got married because their spouse celebrated things differently than they did. It’s something that I have never really thought about.

What traditions do you have? How have they effected your life? How have they dictated the choices you made and make? I realize more and more that nobody, even within my own family, thinks quite the same way as I do. I also have realized that the family traditions that I hold dear are extremely different from ones that others hold dear. Someday when I get married, I’m going to be more aware of how to blend my culture with my spouse’s culture and form a new culture that makes us both happy. One culture is not necessarily better then another. There is good to be found in most cultures and what we should do is take the good from each and make a better one that fits us perfectly.

Family Systems

Something that I found most interesting this week in my studies was the fact that families are a system. Each family member impacts and effects the other family members. It is a system kind of like a machine. When one part of the machine is broken then the whole machine is affected by it and might even stop working altogether. Also something else that effects the family is the way heritage whether good or bad that was left for them. Children learn many things from their parents consciously and subconsciously. The way that parents treat each other effects how the child will most likely treat their future spouse. It is really fascinating how interconnected the family is. Everything that happens in someone’s “personal” life effects their family whether or not they like it.

I have seen this work in my own family. The decisions that I make effect my family, the ones that I live with and the ones that I don’t live with. Like the decision that I made to change my major. That of course will affect my future family but it impact my current family as well. When I was trying to decide what I wanted to go into, I talked to my parents and two of my older brothers. They all gave me good advice and shared with me their experiences when they were picking their majors. It helped me to make my decision. That is just a simple example of how or decisions and life effect our families lives as well.

It’s interesting to think that we really will never be alone or be able to make a decision that will not affect somebody we know. We cannot be completely an individual. It’s impossible. God made it that way. I know that the greatest happiness that I have ever found or will find will be in a family. Working together. Laughing together. Loving together. Growing. Learning. Finding ourselves as part of a whole. We are not meant to be alone.

Misconception

There are a couple of misconceptions in the world today. I myself had fallen prey to them. But no more! Today I am going to talk about just one. The misconstrued idea of population growth. (What does this have to do with the family? Keep reading I’ll explain.) In 1968, Paul R. Ehrlich published a book called The Population Bomb. In this book he described how if the population kept growing at the current rate then by 1970 there would be worldwide starvation because the world would be over populated. That of course did not happen. One of the biggest reasons was that shortly after this time period we basically doubled our food production due to technological advances. The other reason why this didn’t happen was because fertility rates were already dropping. (The definition of fertility rate is the number of children born to the average women in her life time.)

Why does this even matter?

Because in order for a population to be stable and be able to repopulate as the older generations die the fertility rate needs to be 2.15. At the height of the “Baby Boom” the fertility rate was barely over a 3. Which means that there were only on average 3 children in each household. (Not at all what I pictured for the baby boom. I was thinking more like 6 or 7 kids per family. Nope!) So when Ehrlich published his book the fertility rates were already on their way down. Slowly, but still going down. With this book, society’s mindset was changed. Everyone started looking at population grow as a bad thing and fertility rates dropped even more. Remember that number 2.15 for a stable population? Well, the United States at one of the highest fertility rates in the world is at 1.8. A 1.8! We are going to be in serious trouble if our mind set doesn’t start changing.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should start having a million kids as fast as they can. I am just saying that it is something interesting to think about. (By the way, all of the information found above comes from a study, called the Demographic Winter. Here is a link if you are interested. http://www.byutv.org/watch/59b6b917-984a-478f-93b1-521a647779c4/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-1 You can also find it on Youtube. It was not done by the LDS church, even though it was broadcasted on BYUTV. Anyway, I have just given an overview of the things that I that where most interesting.) As a result of population decline, there could be economic trouble as well. For economics only works when there are enough people to keep it going.

With all of that said, I would like to talk about the solutions that the researchers talk about. The first one is called Human Capital. Human capital is the productivity of each person to contribute to society. This is a really hard thing to change and influence. The second thing that they talk about it strengthening the family. Strengthening the family. This is something that God has been telling us for a really long time. There are countless research studies that support the idea that the family is essential to the functions of society and is the best place to raise children. The family is so important. It is not only important to society but it is important to God. He has deemed it timeless and eternal. We need to strengthen our families. I would invite each of you to think about something that you can do to strengthen your own family and in turn strengthen society.

Hello, my name is Abi. I am a college student and will be using this blog to express my views and insights that I learn from my Family Relations class. Enjoy. Or not. The choice is yours and my opinions are mine.